Daydreams

Girl has Perfect Boy right there waiting for her.
But Girl ignores Perfect Boy and goes right for Boy Who Treats Her Like Shit.
Perfect Boy moves on.
Girl realizes after it's too late just how perfect, Perfect Boy is.


I have a feeling this one won't end like it does in the movies.

Jealousy is a horrible thing.

Being around so many people lately, I've realized you can't trust anyone.
I'm so sick of hearing people get "trash talked?." Especially when it's by their  "friends."

I am a hypocrite.

It kinda seems like I love everyone I thought I hated and I hate everyone I thought I loved.

There are exceptions to everything.

I want to help you get better.

So I'm just going to stress you out even more and force you to do things you repeatedly told me you don't want to do.




I have no control over my future.

Maybe, I choose to go against everything I've said.

Maybe if I was stronger, I'd forget everything and just move on.
But I'm not strong. 
There's no point in pretending I am. I would only be fooling myself.

I don't even know who I am.
I have no idea where I'm going. I hardly even know where I'm from. 
I know I've been miserable. I know I've been happier than I am now.
I know I've been screwed over. I know I've screwed people over.

I know I was stronger. 
But I also know I was naive.
I was oblivious. I was clueless. 
I thought that by trying to stay away from everything that seemed to change people, 
I was protecting myself. 
I didn't like change. 
I was afraid of it.
I didn't really give anything a chance.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing/getting myself into.
But it's been my "mission" to destroy all of the boundaries I set for myself then.
Therefore I get myself into even more shit, 
and I usually end up getting myself hurt somehow.


I hate my past.
I hate talking about it. (Unless it's about last summer.)
I hate admitting to how stupid I've been.
I've made so many mistakes.
I can't say that enough.
I know I've fucked up, I am fully aware. 
You don't have to continuously throw it in my face.

But that's why I get so pissed off.
How the hell could you know me?
That's so ignorant.
Okay so you've read my About Me on the wonderful Myspace. 
Maybe you even read these entries. 
You still can't say you know me.
Even if you talk to me.
I hide so much.
You might think it's gotten to the point where you know me pretty well.
But then I'll do something that could completely change the way you see me.
Just one little thing and you don't know me anymore.
I'm in between extremes. 
So if you say I'm on either side, you're proving my point exactly.


Forget everything you've heard about me.
Stop worrying and just give it a chance.
Or don't. 
At least then you'll make up both of our minds. 
Because we all know I can't make up my mind for shit.


I think I need to get myself better first though.
I've gotten so caught up in trying to help everyone else that I'm letting myself fall apart.
Maybe I'd stop getting sick all the time too.

Speaking of being sick, I am and I'm tired of it.
I'm getting worse.
I might have mono..Hah.
Not good. Not at all.
I do not want to get my blood tested either...


Sometimes I ramble way too much and get myself totally off  topic.

Lately I've gotten it in my head that nobody knows anything about me. 
That anything they say or think about me couldn't possibly be right.
Most of the time that's true though.
Stop assuming shit.






Everywhere I go I feel lost, unwanted, and alone.
That's a nice feeling.

I'm a wreck.
This weather is absolutely perfect for how I'm feeling.









 

Now my entire backyard is a swamp.


Lately it's like all I can do is fuck up. Right at the perfect time too.
Nothing is going right and I'm so sick of it.
I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
I'm so fucking sick of being confused too.
I just want something to be sure of.


Ugh dammit.
I slept with a fucking hair band all the way up my arm and it cut off the circulation so now my arm hurts.


Sara left while I was asleep so I didn't even get to say goodbye. That's nice. Who knows when I'll see her again.

I like Steve but I massively fucked that up.

My grades are bad, really bad. I'm failing classes and if you know my parents when it comes to grades, the sky might as well be falling..I don't think that made sense...

I'm losing touch with all of my friends. I can't even remember the last time I hung out with some of them. I  feel distant from everyone. I don't even know why. It's fucking annoying.

I didn't go to school today.
I'm a fucking wuss.

I don't know where I stand. 
I know no matter what I say, I'll be judged. 
I probably make myself seem like a slut sometimes. 
It probably seems like I can't be trusted. 
But I can be.
I'm just trying to find the right guy. 
I'm not happy with the mistakes I've made and I won't make them again. 
That is the past.
This is why I try not to judge people. 
I've been judged enough to know how it feels.
Everyone makes mistakes.

When I say I've made stupid mistakes, I'm not lying.
I regret a lot of things. 
I tend to run from any chance of love. 
But I'm sick of it. I'm done running. 
I get so scared of doing something that will cause me to get too attached. 
I've worn myself out. I don't care anymore.



This will make more sense later.

I just found out today that Sara's moving to Texas in about a week and a half. I love how nobody tells me any of this shit.

Something's missing.
I definitely don't like this empty feeling.

I still can't figure out why I miss the summer so much.
When I really think about it, it friggin sucked.
The usual day consisted of waking up around 3, getting ready around 5, walking to tops or something, spending money on stupid shit like candy fans and red bull, hanging out in the appartments, going home, going on the computer, then fusing it up until sometimes 8 in the morning.(Pausing for random dance parties and kool aid breaks of course.)
Then again, that doesnt sound bad at all.




Anyways,,,,
This week was a good one.
Friday- Sledding, Slumber party with Emily.
We fly high..Enough said.
Saturday- Family party thing. Hung out with Emily more.
Sunday- Justin Timberlake <33
Monday- Hung out with Jill, Night at the Museum.
Tuesday- Mall with Amanda, Rave, Slumber party. 4 hour conversation in the middle of the night.
Wednesday- Hung out with Steve, The Messengers.
Thursday- Hung out with Emily, Went to Circuit City, got stranded on Walden with Sara, Emily, and Ken. Slumber party with Emily.
Friday- Show in the ghettos.Interesting night. Some parts good, some parts..not so good.
Saturday- Mall with Christina, met up with Nate and people, mini rave with Christina..bath(don't wanna talk about it), slumber party, really long conversation ON THE PHONE with Krob.
Sunday- Absolutely nothing but relaxation and phone with Amanda. We should've hung out more this week.


School tomorrow.. Ughhh.
Oh well. I still have things to look forward to this week.




In the back of my mind theres still something bothering me. I know what it is and I don't know why but I can't just come right out and say it.
I hate it though. I want it to stop.
I think maybe I really am like that..but then I think about it, and I know I'm not.
I need to slow down.

One love. That's all I want.

I am so content with my life right now. I love it.
3 Hour long conversations at like 2:30 in the morning do a lot of good.
Nobody can really change this mood.
My smile is not because of just one person anymore.
It's a true happiness. Not like a temporary one caused by that high that you get from infatuation.
I'm soooo thankful for my friends. I just keep realizing more and more that I would be absolutely nothing without them.
I realized I really need to work on my "reputation" though. People see me as somebody completely different than I see myself and that's not too good.
I'm getting better though.
Plus I've been having an awesome week.
I like having something to do everyday.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING LIVE???


Why does everyone have to be so confusing?
Why can't I ever make up my fucking mind?
Why am I like NEVER satisfied with how my life is going?
What am I so afraid of...





P.s. I love Emily Brownson and I love hanging out with her. We need to hang out A LOT more often.



and,, I haven't hung out with Christina in like foreverrrr. So I definitely want to hang out with her more too.

There are some fucking amazing people out there.

You don't know me.
You know what you've heard about me.
Don't fucking judge me.

I'm always waiting for everything around me to change but I never change myself. Now things around me are changing and none of them are really for the better.

I'm going to start fixing things. Mostly with myself and with my relationships with other people. I'm weak, I'm a coward and I'm sick of it. I hide from my problems and it's time I start facing them. I'm moving on, and I'm getting better.

I've seen relationships get destroyed. I've seen people take wrong turns. Instead of realizing what's wrong with myself, I just point out everyone else's flaws. I can't stop everyone else from fucking up their lives. But at least I can stop myself.


I was attracted to him because he was broken. I wanted to fix him. I thought I could. But when nothing got better with him, I blamed myself. I can't fix him. This is out of my control and there's nothing I can do anymore. I need to accept that.

I just can't help but wish he could see what I see.
He sees the shadows when I see the sun.
Get that smile out from the box under your bed and wear it. It belongs on your face. Whether you think it does or not.
Even if I'm not the one who puts it there. As long as that smile is on your face, I'm happy.

and as for me,
As soon as it seemed like there was no end to this darkness, a light appeared. I have that light in my hand and I will do whatever I need to, to keep it lit.