Daydreams

Girl has Perfect Boy right there waiting for her.
But Girl ignores Perfect Boy and goes right for Boy Who Treats Her Like Shit.
Perfect Boy moves on.
Girl realizes after it's too late just how perfect, Perfect Boy is.


I have a feeling this one won't end like it does in the movies.

Jealousy is a horrible thing.

Being around so many people lately, I've realized you can't trust anyone.
I'm so sick of hearing people get "trash talked?." Especially when it's by their  "friends."

I am a hypocrite.

It kinda seems like I love everyone I thought I hated and I hate everyone I thought I loved.

There are exceptions to everything.

I want to help you get better.

So I'm just going to stress you out even more and force you to do things you repeatedly told me you don't want to do.




I have no control over my future.

Maybe, I choose to go against everything I've said.

Maybe if I was stronger, I'd forget everything and just move on.
But I'm not strong. 
There's no point in pretending I am. I would only be fooling myself.

I don't even know who I am.
I have no idea where I'm going. I hardly even know where I'm from. 
I know I've been miserable. I know I've been happier than I am now.
I know I've been screwed over. I know I've screwed people over.

I know I was stronger. 
But I also know I was naive.
I was oblivious. I was clueless. 
I thought that by trying to stay away from everything that seemed to change people, 
I was protecting myself. 
I didn't like change. 
I was afraid of it.
I didn't really give anything a chance.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing/getting myself into.
But it's been my "mission" to destroy all of the boundaries I set for myself then.
Therefore I get myself into even more shit, 
and I usually end up getting myself hurt somehow.


I hate my past.
I hate talking about it. (Unless it's about last summer.)
I hate admitting to how stupid I've been.
I've made so many mistakes.
I can't say that enough.
I know I've fucked up, I am fully aware. 
You don't have to continuously throw it in my face.

But that's why I get so pissed off.
How the hell could you know me?
That's so ignorant.
Okay so you've read my About Me on the wonderful Myspace. 
Maybe you even read these entries. 
You still can't say you know me.
Even if you talk to me.
I hide so much.
You might think it's gotten to the point where you know me pretty well.
But then I'll do something that could completely change the way you see me.
Just one little thing and you don't know me anymore.
I'm in between extremes. 
So if you say I'm on either side, you're proving my point exactly.


Forget everything you've heard about me.
Stop worrying and just give it a chance.
Or don't. 
At least then you'll make up both of our minds. 
Because we all know I can't make up my mind for shit.


I think I need to get myself better first though.
I've gotten so caught up in trying to help everyone else that I'm letting myself fall apart.
Maybe I'd stop getting sick all the time too.

Speaking of being sick, I am and I'm tired of it.
I'm getting worse.
I might have mono..Hah.
Not good. Not at all.
I do not want to get my blood tested either...


Sometimes I ramble way too much and get myself totally off  topic.

Lately I've gotten it in my head that nobody knows anything about me. 
That anything they say or think about me couldn't possibly be right.
Most of the time that's true though.
Stop assuming shit.






Everywhere I go I feel lost, unwanted, and alone.
That's a nice feeling.

I'm a wreck.
This weather is absolutely perfect for how I'm feeling.









 

Now my entire backyard is a swamp.


Lately it's like all I can do is fuck up. Right at the perfect time too.
Nothing is going right and I'm so sick of it.
I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
I'm so fucking sick of being confused too.
I just want something to be sure of.


Ugh dammit.
I slept with a fucking hair band all the way up my arm and it cut off the circulation so now my arm hurts.


Sara left while I was asleep so I didn't even get to say goodbye. That's nice. Who knows when I'll see her again.

I like Steve but I massively fucked that up.

My grades are bad, really bad. I'm failing classes and if you know my parents when it comes to grades, the sky might as well be falling..I don't think that made sense...

I'm losing touch with all of my friends. I can't even remember the last time I hung out with some of them. I  feel distant from everyone. I don't even know why. It's fucking annoying.

I didn't go to school today.
I'm a fucking wuss.